When We Talk of Love...

The Spiritual Dilemma of Attachment

It’s common in spiritual communities for singles to be told that they can take comfort in their relationship to God. And while a lovely idea, this does not negate the very real need for human companionship. After all, God doesn’t keep us warm in bed at night. People need tactile contact and support from other humans and having coffee periodically with a friend is not the same level of intimacy as making love with someone and spending your life with that individual. So what is this neurobiological phenomenon in attachment?

Our very biology wires us for connection to ensure our survival. The minute we are born, our mothers’ bodies flood with chemicals  to ensure they care for us. Oxytocin increases significantly which promotes maternal feelings and newborn attachment, in addition to reducing stress. And our attachment needs aren’t restricted to our early years. Because humans had a better chance of survival when grouped together, our neurological make up supports that we feel more pleasure and security when in relationships. When isolated, we feel less secure and more physically threatened.

How then do people cope when more isolated? This is a fundamental dilemma for people in current society. More and more people are not marrying, the divorce rate is high, and many people are not close to their families of origin. And the elderly population is typically left in isolation. Correlating to these trends, research indicates that loneliness is an epidemic in America (and was even before the pandemic).

Thankfully, it is possible to feel connected on a neurobiological level even when living alone. But it requires active efforts at connection and a redefinition of connection. Attachment can be forged in a variety of ways: through one’s breath, in communion with nature and the elements, in interactions with animals, and in meaningful friendships and community with humans. (And yes, people can go out and hook up sexually, feeling attached via all those wonderful hormones, but if the emotional connection isn’t there or the situation is abusive or neglectful, individuals might end up feeling even more alone and isolated. Because at the end of the day, we want to feel as if we consistently matter and are a part of something).

Yet even more significant, we can feel this neurological attachment with ourselves, if we are in a highly integrated state between body, mind and spirit. This not only enhances our individual well-being, it increases our abilities to connect with others when in relationship. In fact, the word “yoga” means “to unite”, which is funny because yoga is a physical practice done in quiet by oneself. There is no talking. Yet yoga describes the union of individual consciousness with universal consciousness which in essence defines attachment. Thus, it is this fusion of both the physical and the spiritual that deepens our sense of interconnectedness with others and the world around us that is so vital to our well-being and survival.

We do indeed have God. But we need to think about our neurobiology too because we are spiritual beings having a very real human experience. As a friend of mine says, “We put on our earth suits and try to learn something.” And we do that by bumping up against the world around us and experiencing its pleasures and pains.

When We Talk of Love...

The Benefits of Boredom

On May 12, 2002, Newsweek published an essay by Anna Quindlen called, “Doing Nothing Is Something.” It was a beautiful piece of writing on the lazy rhythms of summer that she recalled with nostalgia from her own childhood. In it, she bemoaned the fast pace of modern life and the contrast between what she experienced in her youth compared to the experiences of over-scheduled teens in middle-class society. The article has even more relevance now given the advent of social media and smart phones that keep us routinely engaged. Instead of contemplating our navels on someone’s back porch while swatting at a few mosquitoes and talking to the neighbors.

“I mourn hanging out in the backyard. I mourn playing Wiffle ball in the street without a sponsor and matching shirts. I mourn drawing in the dirt with a stick,” she writes. (I’ve included the link to the original article here).

As a single woman without children, I spend many weekends and evenings alone. And at times, I’m quite bored. This reality has been particularly on my mind as the days grow longer and the warm weather drives everyone outside to engage in activities. Yet no matter how much I sometimes judge myself for having these stretches of quiet time, I realize how vital boredom truly is whether you’re in a partnership, family, or alone. Having time to do nothing and to be in solitude is a rich experience that our society has little tolerance for. This intolerance only grows. It’s viewed as non-productive, anti-social, and unhealthy. Yet is it any healthier to constantly engage, particularly if participating in meaningless activity or superficial relationships? And how does one cultivate any sense of purpose or creativity, if there is never any time to simply dream and think?

So if you find yourself feeling a little restless or bored at some point this summer, consider it a gift. It’s a great opportunity to embrace simply being. Without having to prove anything or exert anything. And that is a rarity in our current day.

When We Talk of Love...

Trust YOUR Process

When my mother died by suicide in July 2008, two well-meaning loved ones made comments a month later. One pondered whether the fact that I lived alone intensified my grief. Perhaps if I had roommates, I might not be so upset. The other said that if I had a child, I wouldn’t be so self-absorbed. I would have to care for another person instead of feeling sorry for myself. The latter statement was particularly painful because I desperately wanted to be a mother, yet I was thirty-nine and single. I wondered if she wanted me to get myself knocked up by a stranger, so I could circumvent grieving.

There was also the ex-boyfriend who emailed me, “Onward and upward!” when I notified him of the suicide and shared that my mom had always been fond of him. But this is not a blog post to roast people for the odd things they say. It’s simply a cautionary tale to be discerning and protective of what you personally need when you’re most vulnerable and raw. In my case, I wasn’t just grieving my mom’s death. I was grieving the mom I never truly had. And it had only been one month.

When we’re in the heart of deep pain, not every one understands or can tolerate it. Because everyone has their own issues and opinions. For these reasons we must discern who is equipped to witness our experience and hold it with compassion while also acknowledging that people are not always available or able. In these situations, we must ultimately hold space for ourselves.

Grief entails a type of intra-psychic death. We feel like parts of ourselves are dying and life as we knew it has irrevocably changed. In the process, other relationships often fall like dominoes compounding the sense of loss. If you find yourself in this situation, see if you can embrace it as a time for personal transformation. Allow yourself to trust your process. Even if it’s messy. Even if it’s non-linear. And even if it doesn’t follow a set of prescribed rules or steps.

Nothing in life ever does.