When We Talk of Love...

The Spiritual Dilemma of Attachment

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It’s common in spiritual communities for singles to be told that they can take comfort in their relationship to God. And while a lovely idea, this does not negate the very real need for human companionship. After all, God doesn’t keep us warm in bed at night. People need tactile contact and support from other humans and having coffee periodically with a friend is not the same level of intimacy as making love with someone and spending your life with that individual. So what is this neurobiological phenomenon in attachment?

Our very biology wires us for connection to ensure our survival. The minute we are born, our mothers’ bodies flood with chemicals  to ensure they care for us. Oxytocin increases significantly which promotes maternal feelings and newborn attachment, in addition to reducing stress. And our attachment needs aren’t restricted to our early years. Because humans had a better chance of survival when grouped together, our neurological make up supports that we feel more pleasure and security when in relationships. When isolated, we feel less secure and more physically threatened.

How then do people cope when more isolated? This is a fundamental dilemma for people in current society. More and more people are not marrying, the divorce rate is high, and many people are not close to their families of origin. And the elderly population is typically left in isolation. Correlating to these trends, research indicates that loneliness is an epidemic in America (and was even before the pandemic).

Thankfully, it is possible to feel connected on a neurobiological level even when living alone. But it requires active efforts at connection and a redefinition of connection. Attachment can be forged in a variety of ways: through one’s breath, in communion with nature and the elements, in interactions with animals, and in meaningful friendships and community with humans. (And yes, people can go out and hook up sexually, feeling attached via all those wonderful hormones, but if the emotional connection isn’t there or the situation is abusive or neglectful, individuals might end up feeling even more alone and isolated. Because at the end of the day, we want to feel as if we consistently matter and are a part of something).

Yet even more significant, we can feel this neurological attachment with ourselves, if we are in a highly integrated state between body, mind and spirit. This not only enhances our individual well-being, it increases our abilities to connect with others when in relationship. In fact, the word “yoga” means “to unite”, which is funny because yoga is a physical practice done in quiet by oneself. There is no talking. Yet yoga describes the union of individual consciousness with universal consciousness which in essence defines attachment. Thus, it is this fusion of both the physical and the spiritual that deepens our sense of interconnectedness with others and the world around us that is so vital to our well-being and survival.

We do indeed have God. But we need to think about our neurobiology too because we are spiritual beings having a very real human experience. As a friend of mine says, “We put on our earth suits and try to learn something.” And we do that by bumping up against the world around us and experiencing its pleasures and pains.

When We Talk of Love...

Love Is Not Cancelled

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If going through a break up, divorce, or the death of a partner, questions abound. “Where does love go?” we might ponder, and “Was it even real?” we could ask while tossing and turning throughout the night. Gone are the frequent calls, texts, orgasms, kisses, and “hey you”s, along with the shared meals and interest in each other’s lives.

So where does love go when it’s finished and/or changing form? And why is this never really talked about?

All of us have seen the cartoons of cupid pulling back his bow and aiming it at a target. In an ideal situation, cupid sends two arrows at two individuals who become objects of affection for each other. But for how long do they stay in tandem? And why is the energy going outward when it’s really our own love emanating from us that creates the initial connection?

Let’s think about this for a minute. What would happen if we could give and receive love without our life force emptying out onto someone else? Could we stay grounded as a vessel of our own love that bumps up against someone else’s? Is it that even possible or does love require us to step aside from own self centered experience in order to care for someone else? Where is the balance?

Despite all the love songs, poetry, and dramas created over centuries of artistic expression, we tend to negate the deep negotiations of self and other when in love. The Me. You. And We. (Although I have to say the current Apple+ tv series, “Shrinking” does a nice job exploring the grief of a recent widow).

Ideally, love should lead us back to our core, giving us more of ourselves; not less. It should build us up rather than chip the self away. Even in loss, there should be gain.

So it might be helpful to consider that we all come from a Source that is love. If two human beings’ lives happen to collide, that is a beautiful thing. But that collision does not suck away our essence when the connection ends in this physical dimension. The love that is each and every one of us still prevails. As does the imprint of our connections with others.

Love is not cancelled. And neither are you.

When We Talk of Love...

Angels in Fur Coats

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“They’re so much work,” a friend of mine said recently. “I can’t be tied down like that,” he continued. “I need my freedom.” He was referring to pets as he knows I’m obsessed with mine.

I get it. I’ve had periods in my life when I couldn’t be tied down either.

“But it’s really not,” I replied. “Sure, you have to feed them and care for them and take them to the vet when they are sick. But beyond that, animals tend to take care of their humans vs. the other way around.”

Having lovingly raised two humans, my friend has a solid track record in that arena. So I continued to explain. “With kids, you are there solely for their growth and well being. It’s not about you,” I said. “You don’t use your kids to fulfill your unmet needs. But with animals, they seem to intuitively know how to heal us. It’s a different kind of thing.”

While it’s true animals can be just as wounded as humans if they’ve experienced abuse and neglect, their natural state is so loving, raising animals becomes an experience of relational attunement many of us did not receive in our own childhoods. I think that is why so many people care deeply for their animals. The unconditional love animals exude often is a new experience, allowing us to heal rifts in attachment bonds from childhood.

While human relationships are perhaps more rewarding, complex and sophisticated, they are far more risky. Animals don’t hurt us in the ways humans can. They don’t lie, cheat, betray, or steal (well, maybe a little bite of our food). And they don’t attack us, unless they feel threatened. They simply want to be loved.

When a human is an infant, ideally the parent attunes to the child by noticing her needs, holding her, and mirroring her facial expressions. Hours are spent simply gazing at the child in a loving, attuned manner allowing the child to feel safe and seen. Over time, as the child grows and becomes aware of being a separate self, she still tracks where her care giver is and how much attention is coming in her direction. But not all of us receive this type of attunement in the early and developing years.

Each morning and evening, my cat Marcus comes to me with his toy in his mouth wanting me to toss it to him. Or he will meow and want to be held. In this process, I am the care giver, attuning to him and his need for contact, stimulation and attention. But the rest of the time, Marcus and Mena are more attuning to me. Watching me as I work, sitting on my lap when I read, snuggling up to me when I sleep. And if I am crying for some reason, one of them immediately comes and checks on me. So the question is, who really is healing who?

In being so unashamed about their desires for affection and contact, animals help remind us that connection is part of being alive. Humans want love and contact too, yet we are often conditioned to view this as needy and shameful once we’ve grown beyond a certain age. By modeling their sense of connection and presence, they help us restore a sense of wholeness with the world around us. I think of them as angels in fur coats.