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When We Talk of Love...

When We Talk of Love…

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When we fall in or or what we initially think is love, it’s often our own love being mirrored back to us via another person. For those of us not strongly in touch with our essence and sense of worth, it can be as if this outside force is bringing us to life. (Of course this, coupled with all the dopamine and oxytocin that get activated in early romance further this heightened sensation of pleasure coming from an external source). It is also a real phenomenon that connection with others, when it is good, increases happiness. That is not a mirage. We are social creatures longing for a balance of union and autonomy. It’s nourishing to feel support, validation, love and respect from someone else and it often lighten’s one’s load to be interdependent, sharing activities and responsibilities.

When that outside source withdraws, as it so often does in contemporary relationships through divorce, break ups, and/or an unwillingness to be involved beyond the initial thrill of hooking up, two people are left to feel their independent essence again without the presence of the other. Any kind of separation constitutes an initial reconfiguration of self- be it a sigh of relief or a cry of loneliness and loss, or both.

What is interesting to note though is that in a healthy person, that sense of being vibrant and beautiful remains. It doesn’t withdraw just because the person mirroring it back stops loving or engaging with you. Unfortunately, without anyone to give your essence to in relationship, you might tuck it into yourself a little protectively, holding it close to your skin. But it is still there. Do not let it die. Or extinguish it. It’s your gift to the world.

And do not apologize for sharing and sending it out to someone previously. It is beautiful and natural to give and receive love. And sometimes, it’s a rare opportunity, but it is why we are here. Because of wounding over the course of our lives though, we might feel inhibited and defensive. Vulnerability takes courage. It is also often shunned as needy. Yet the irony is that people don’t tend to be needy when their basic needs are met.

It is okay to be human and to have needs. Projecting our needs onto an unwilling party is an intrusion but to have needs is part of being alive and living with an open heart.

I once heard that people are most attractive when fiercely independent. And while that might be true, for a strong confident individual reflects a degree of psychological autonomy and maturity, independence can also be a decoy for indifference and not caring. It can be a cover for rigidity and cowardice as well. Or not knowing how to maintain healthy boundaries.

Love of self and love of other can create polarities at times. It is not always an easy tension to maintain. But it doesn’t have to be rocket science either. Instead it is an art form of together/apart and apart/together that evolves over time and with care.

When We Talk of Love...

Everyone Is Talking About It

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In today’s world of TikTok Therapy, much is being said about attachment theory. It’s being used to explain any and every relationship issue from rejection to lack of commitment to feelings of suffocation. “Avoidants shouldn’t pair with Anxious-Attachments, blah, blah, blah,” the talking experts say. Yet little is being said how to address the extremely complex issue of attachment that every human on this planet struggles with in some way, shape or form. Put frankly, it’s an existential dilemma.

Attachment theory is a theory of psychology founded by John Bowlby that originally addressed relational patterns between infants, children and their care-givers. The main idea is that a child needs to have a secure attachment with at least one adult for normal, healthy development. The attachment styles discussed in child development are now being applied to theories of romantic attachment. In essence, it’s a way to explain the emotional bonds people have with one another. These categories are called anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure. While nice to have this kind of spelled out, it doesn’t really address how we heal or navigate our day-to-day interactions with one another.

Not only that, circumstances change over time that can impact our current relational patterns. For instance, even if we had a secure attachment in childhood, we can certainly still be anxious if in a bad relational situation. Conversely, maybe we had insecure attachment in childhood but are blessed with a secure attachment now and in this situation, don’t really struggle.

What I find more interesting is the very human longing to return to the blissful state of fusion we had with our caregivers initially, if some kind of bonding occurred. That state of peering into our mother or father’s eyes while sucking on a breast or bottle of milk and completely melting into the CareGiver felt like nirvana. I am one with you, you are one with me, the infant thinks. I am whole, safe, and this feels pretty damn wonderful. The child does not yet experience itself as a fully, separate self and is highly insecure when left alone or in distress because she/he/they are so vulnerable. So when we have experiences in adulthood that create this sense of fusion – ecstasy in sex, the limerence of falling in love, being intoxicated on a substance, being in a flow state while creating, etc. we get a little taste of that. And that can feel very powerful and addictive. It can also be a little discombobulating when we can’t sustain these states and have to return to drab everyday life. Or, we fear being engulfed in this oneness and need a little separation to feel our ego state again. I don’t want to lose myself, we think going into a self-protective mode. You’re going to suck me in and my needs won’t matter.

In a way, this phenomenon is like the fall from Eden. We once felt this profound unitive state in the spiritual domain and now have to deal with the very real struggle of being human and/or separate from the CareGiver. We are drawn over and over again to that divine state of oneness, yet strive to be separate. To have agency, free will, choice, autonomy and individuality. Self/other/God. Me/you/world/God. And yet on some level, we all came from the same Star. We all have a spark of the Divine within us.

And so it is. Everyone is talking about it…

When We Talk of Love...

The Spiritual Dilemma of Attachment

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It’s common in spiritual communities for singles to be told that they can take comfort in their relationship to God. And while a lovely idea, this does not negate the very real need for human companionship. After all, God doesn’t keep us warm in bed at night. People need tactile contact and support from other humans and having coffee periodically with a friend is not the same level of intimacy as making love with someone and spending your life with that individual. So what is this neurobiological phenomenon in attachment?

Our very biology wires us for connection to ensure our survival. The minute we are born, our mothers’ bodies flood with chemicals  to ensure they care for us. Oxytocin increases significantly which promotes maternal feelings and newborn attachment, in addition to reducing stress. And our attachment needs aren’t restricted to our early years. Because humans had a better chance of survival when grouped together, our neurological make up supports that we feel more pleasure and security when in relationships. When isolated, we feel less secure and more physically threatened.

How then do people cope when more isolated? This is a fundamental dilemma for people in current society. More and more people are not marrying, the divorce rate is high, and many people are not close to their families of origin. And the elderly population is typically left in isolation. Correlating to these trends, research indicates that loneliness is an epidemic in America (and was even before the pandemic).

Thankfully, it is possible to feel connected on a neurobiological level even when living alone. But it requires active efforts at connection and a redefinition of connection. Attachment can be forged in a variety of ways: through one’s breath, in communion with nature and the elements, in interactions with animals, and in meaningful friendships and community with humans. (And yes, people can go out and hook up sexually, feeling attached via all those wonderful hormones, but if the emotional connection isn’t there or the situation is abusive or neglectful, individuals might end up feeling even more alone and isolated. Because at the end of the day, we want to feel as if we consistently matter and are a part of something).

Yet even more significant, we can feel this neurological attachment with ourselves, if we are in a highly integrated state between body, mind and spirit. This not only enhances our individual well-being, it increases our abilities to connect with others when in relationship. In fact, the word “yoga” means “to unite”, which is funny because yoga is a physical practice done in quiet by oneself. There is no talking. Yet yoga describes the union of individual consciousness with universal consciousness which in essence defines attachment. Thus, it is this fusion of both the physical and the spiritual that deepens our sense of interconnectedness with others and the world around us that is so vital to our well-being and survival.

We do indeed have God. But we need to think about our neurobiology too because we are spiritual beings having a very real human experience. As a friend of mine says, “We put on our earth suits and try to learn something.” And we do that by bumping up against the world around us and experiencing its pleasures and pains.