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When We Talk of Love...

When We Talk of Love…

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When we fall in or or what we initially think is love, it’s often our own love being mirrored back to us via another person. For those of us not strongly in touch with our essence and sense of worth, it can be as if this outside force is bringing us to life. (Of course this, coupled with all the dopamine and oxytocin that get activated in early romance further this heightened sensation of pleasure coming from an external source). It is also a real phenomenon that connection with others, when it is good, increases happiness. That is not a mirage. We are social creatures longing for a balance of union and autonomy. It’s nourishing to feel support, validation, love and respect from someone else and it often lighten’s one’s load to be interdependent, sharing activities and responsibilities.

When that outside source withdraws, as it so often does in contemporary relationships through divorce, break ups, and/or an unwillingness to be involved beyond the initial thrill of hooking up, two people are left to feel their independent essence again without the presence of the other. Any kind of separation constitutes an initial reconfiguration of self- be it a sigh of relief or a cry of loneliness and loss, or both.

What is interesting to note though is that in a healthy person, that sense of being vibrant and beautiful remains. It doesn’t withdraw just because the person mirroring it back stops loving or engaging with you. Unfortunately, without anyone to give your essence to in relationship, you might tuck it into yourself a little protectively, holding it close to your skin. But it is still there. Do not let it die. Or extinguish it. It’s your gift to the world.

And do not apologize for sharing and sending it out to someone previously. It is beautiful and natural to give and receive love. And sometimes, it’s a rare opportunity, but it is why we are here. Because of wounding over the course of our lives though, we might feel inhibited and defensive. Vulnerability takes courage. It is also often shunned as needy. Yet the irony is that people don’t tend to be needy when their basic needs are met.

It is okay to be human and to have needs. Projecting our needs onto an unwilling party is an intrusion but to have needs is part of being alive and living with an open heart.

I once heard that people are most attractive when fiercely independent. And while that might be true, for a strong confident individual reflects a degree of psychological autonomy and maturity, independence can also be a decoy for indifference and not caring. It can be a cover for rigidity and cowardice as well. Or not knowing how to maintain healthy boundaries.

Love of self and love of other can create polarities at times. It is not always an easy tension to maintain. But it doesn’t have to be rocket science either. Instead it is an art form of together/apart and apart/together that evolves over time and with care.

When We Talk of Love...

Angels in Fur Coats

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“They’re so much work,” a friend of mine said recently. “I can’t be tied down like that,” he continued. “I need my freedom.” He was referring to pets as he knows I’m obsessed with mine.

I get it. I’ve had periods in my life when I couldn’t be tied down either.

“But it’s really not,” I replied. “Sure, you have to feed them and care for them and take them to the vet when they are sick. But beyond that, animals tend to take care of their humans vs. the other way around.”

Having lovingly raised two humans, my friend has a solid track record in that arena. So I continued to explain. “With kids, you are there solely for their growth and well being. It’s not about you,” I said. “You don’t use your kids to fulfill your unmet needs. But with animals, they seem to intuitively know how to heal us. It’s a different kind of thing.”

While it’s true animals can be just as wounded as humans if they’ve experienced abuse and neglect, their natural state is so loving, raising animals becomes an experience of relational attunement many of us did not receive in our own childhoods. I think that is why so many people care deeply for their animals. The unconditional love animals exude often is a new experience, allowing us to heal rifts in attachment bonds from childhood.

While human relationships are perhaps more rewarding, complex and sophisticated, they are far more risky. Animals don’t hurt us in the ways humans can. They don’t lie, cheat, betray, or steal (well, maybe a little bite of our food). And they don’t attack us, unless they feel threatened. They simply want to be loved.

When a human is an infant, ideally the parent attunes to the child by noticing her needs, holding her, and mirroring her facial expressions. Hours are spent simply gazing at the child in a loving, attuned manner allowing the child to feel safe and seen. Over time, as the child grows and becomes aware of being a separate self, she still tracks where her care giver is and how much attention is coming in her direction. But not all of us receive this type of attunement in the early and developing years.

Each morning and evening, my cat Marcus comes to me with his toy in his mouth wanting me to toss it to him. Or he will meow and want to be held. In this process, I am the care giver, attuning to him and his need for contact, stimulation and attention. But the rest of the time, Marcus and Mena are more attuning to me. Watching me as I work, sitting on my lap when I read, snuggling up to me when I sleep. And if I am crying for some reason, one of them immediately comes and checks on me. So the question is, who really is healing who?

In being so unashamed about their desires for affection and contact, animals help remind us that connection is part of being alive. Humans want love and contact too, yet we are often conditioned to view this as needy and shameful once we’ve grown beyond a certain age. By modeling their sense of connection and presence, they help us restore a sense of wholeness with the world around us. I think of them as angels in fur coats.