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When We Talk of Love...

Nothing Thrives In Ambiguity

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We are living in a time when there is a great intolerance for ambiguity. Most likely because the world is changing rapidly with an ever increasing sense of uncertainty. And in times of transition and upheaval, humans often lean toward the concrete as a means of staving off anxiety and pain. We see this in fundamentalist doctrine where rigid adherence to absolutes can be a way to ward off complexity and growth because it feels safer to cling to what is known.

If we can learn to tolerate a degree of ambiguity, we become more receptive to different perspectives. And great learning and growth can result in these periods of change that lack definition. There is a certain freedom in this that allows new possibilities to emerge.

The challenge though is that too much ambiguity for too long creates a chronic state of unpredictability. And this is destabilizing. Nothing thrives in this kind of environment. We don’t want to hang out in ambiguity forever. No matter how sophisticated and complex we might be, we still need boundaries, routines, and rules. Consequences and clarity. Without them children don’t feel safe and can’t thrive in their home and school environments. In relationships, we never know where we stand. And in society, anarchy can reign and/or cultures fall apart.

There comes a point when too much ambiguity becomes damaging to all parties.

We don’t want to be so rigid in our approach to life, work, and relationships that we rule out new possibilities. But we don’t want to be so fluid, we find ourselves like a blot of ink spilling out all over the page. At some point, clarity becomes essential, safe and grounding. We owe this to ourselves and to each other.

When We Talk of Love...

The Benefits of Boredom

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On May 12, 2002, Newsweek published an essay by Anna Quindlen called, “Doing Nothing Is Something.” It was a beautiful piece of writing on the lazy rhythms of summer that she recalled with nostalgia from her own childhood. In it, she bemoaned the fast pace of modern life and the contrast between what she experienced in her youth compared to the experiences of over-scheduled teens in middle-class society. The article has even more relevance now given the advent of social media and smart phones that keep us routinely engaged. Instead of contemplating our navels on someone’s back porch while swatting at a few mosquitoes and talking to the neighbors.

“I mourn hanging out in the backyard. I mourn playing Wiffle ball in the street without a sponsor and matching shirts. I mourn drawing in the dirt with a stick,” she writes. (I’ve included the link to the original article here).

As a single woman without children, I spend many weekends and evenings alone. And at times, I’m quite bored. This reality has been particularly on my mind as the days grow longer and the warm weather drives everyone outside to engage in activities. Yet no matter how much I sometimes judge myself for having these stretches of quiet time, I realize how vital boredom truly is whether you’re in a partnership, family, or alone. Having time to do nothing and to be in solitude is a rich experience that our society has little tolerance for. This intolerance only grows. It’s viewed as non-productive, anti-social, and unhealthy. Yet is it any healthier to constantly engage, particularly if participating in meaningless activity or superficial relationships? And how does one cultivate any sense of purpose or creativity, if there is never any time to simply dream and think?

So if you find yourself feeling a little restless or bored at some point this summer, consider it a gift. It’s a great opportunity to embrace simply being. Without having to prove anything or exert anything. And that is a rarity in our current day.